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The Things You Can't Say With Your Mouth Full

I hope you will enjoy this light-hearted look at some wine tasting people I have encountered over the past few months. I know no Winedoctor reader will recognise themselves as they read it - or at least I hope not!!

Wine tastings, in all their forms, are great fun. I have difficulty recalling a single tasting that I didn't enjoy - even if the wines aren't up to scratch, the experience is still educational. There are many different types of tastings of course. Some I attend are quite formal, with limited numbers attending, sitting round a table. Very civilised. A number of others are more of a free for all, and it's these I'm thinking of as I write this piece. These tastings have the added advantage of throwing interesting people, as well as interesting wines, into your path. So who are these people?

The food and wine connossieur The Food and Wine 'Connoisseur'

These creatures regularly provide some amusement. I have most recently observed one in female form, bearing an uncanny resemblance to Hyacinth Bucket. This is fairly typical. They don't spit, because they are 'appreciating' the wine rather than tasting it. This reluctance to spit means they may be a little unsteady on their feet, but they would always deny being drunk - usually in a very loud voice.

A conversation between my most recent siting and a winemaker (of Sandeman Port) went as follows:

"I'm a member of the Worldwide Society for the Appreciation of Food and Wine - Chapping Snodbury branch". This opening line is essential so the unfortunate on the other side of the tasting knows exactly who they are dealing with.

"What do you recommend?" Again essential - they know they must limit their intake as they aren't spitting. So they only want the 'nice' wines. The winemaker pours his 30 year old tawny Port, which no doubt he blended with great care and skill.

"Oh, I don't like that. Don't you have anything better? What's your best wine?" The winemaker, consummately polite throughout, pours his 40 year old tawny Port.

"Oh that's better." Turning to her group, she passes round the glass. Once the Chapping Snodbury Food and Wine Connoisseur has found a suitable wine, everyone else must taste it.

Turning back to the winemaker, "Do you know, recently one of your chaps gave a talk at our meeting and brought some of these wines. That's him over there. One of your sales people, is he?"

"No", replies the winemaker, "that's George Sandeman".

And on it goes. In truth I don't really mind the 'connoisseurs' as they do at least provide some amusement. Other characters, however, do not...

The Spittoon Hugger

The spittoon hugger - the bane of a big tasting. Spittoons are essential for larger walk-round tastings. Unlike Jancis Robinson, I don't practice in the bath, but my aim is good enough. I do have great difficulty, however, spitting through the people who insist on gathering around the spittoon as if it were the water butt. This is hardly the most appealing place to stand and chat, and so it always amazes me that people do it. And, frustratingly, you can't ask them to move, because you have a mouthful of wine!

What annoys me further is that these people seem oblivious to the obstacle they have become, failing to move away when it should surely be quite obvious. At one recent tasting a chap was standing facing the spittoon, with his tasting book held in front of him directly over it. Punters had to manoeuvre their heads beneath the book in order to spit. And at no point did he show any sign of moving away, or even lifting his book. He stood there, staring with incomprehension at those full-mouthed people working their way around him to the spittoon, as if he failed to even understand what was even occurring.

The Table Hugger

A similar species to the spittoon hugger, and in fact it is possible (although some skill may be required) for an individual to be both at once. These creatures receive a pour and then stand there chatting with their mates, whilst those in the crowd behind - four deep, shall we say - struggle to even gain sight of the table, never mind a pour.

It's important to note that table hugging by standing in between it and the next table is entirely acceptable and can be very advantageous. I often do it - you are not in anyone's way, but do get a good chance at chatting to the winemaker and keeping the pours flowing. But not in front of the table. Table huggers should move away and use their innate skills at occupying annoying positions to eject the above-mentioned spittoon hugger from their chosen position!

Table and spittoon huggers are both very annoying, I suspect not just for myself, but for many people who attend large tastings. There is one final group, however, that I sometimes observe with no amusement. And this is much more a personal niggle. These are...the cherry pickers.

A well known star of the Languedoc! The Cherry Picker

Broadly speaking there are two types of cherry-picker. One who chooses by price, the other by age. The former flits from table to table, requesting only the most expensive cuvées. They have little knowledge of the wine, or the winemaker's range, but are usually very familiar with the retail price for the top cuvée. The latter group choose by age. I recently overhead one at the table of a well-known star of the Languedoc...

Proffering glass - "I'll have the '85 please."

"May I recommend trying the younger wines first, sir" replies the winemaker. "Have you tried the 2002 or 2001?"

"Oh, no, no" says the punter, dismissing these attempts by the winemaker to show his most recent wines. "I'm very familiar with your range of wines - I drink them all the time. I had those two very recently - it's the '85 I'd like."

Which of course doesn't ring true. If this is a favourite estate, then surely the punter is totally familiar with the 1985? Isn't it the young wines he should be eager to taste and assess, to see if the estate is maintaining the standards he obviously enjoys? To see if he should buy them? Or to assess when he should open the first bottle from his case?

The winemaker seems genuinely astonished. "The 2002 is a barrel sample, sir. Where have you tasted it before? This is the first time it has entered the UK". He is either genuinely interested to know how the punter has already tasted the wine - perhaps he has recently visited the estate - or he hides his disbelief at this time-waster well. The cherry picker is flustered, and his deception has been undone. He reluctantly accepts a pour of the 2002, all the time his feverish gaze lying on the 1985 sitting in front of him.

My own personal practice is to taste through the full range of wines offered by a winemaker. This gives me some indication of the house style, how each wine sits within the range, and also affords a chance to chat to those manning the table - provided of course that the crush isn't so much that I feel duty bound to move away so that others get a chance. Then it seems most appropriate to move up to the top wines. The concept of cherry-picking at a tasting seems quite alien to me, plucking a single wine out of a range to slurp it down, and I fail to understand what people gain from it. I love to drink these bottles at home, in the right setting, but at a tasting my aims are different. How is it possible to gain any understanding of the winery or winemaker with this sort of approach? I'm genuinely interested in finding out. E-mail me if you would like to explain. (24/12/03)